‘To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.’

Given the above perhaps I should take it as a compliment that I’ve experienced my fair share of criticism over the last few years.

My problem is that despite years of practice I’ve still yet to develop a thick skin to criticism. It isn’t like water off a duck’s back to me. Is that something you can relate to at all?

And I would love to say hearing the phrase ‘constructive criticism’ makes the pill much easier to swallow.

But in all honesty…

It doesn’t.

So what’s the alternative for you and me?

Well you could try and avoid criticism at all costs by doing all you can to be a continual people pleaser.

You could do nothing, say nothing and be nothing, or you could simply choose to ignore criticism no matter how valid it might be.

They’re not exactly great alternatives are they?

You could, however, take some time to reflect on the following:

• What were the other person’s motives for criticising me? (To make themselves look good or to help you become even better?)
• What part of the criticism (if any) could I agree with and possibly learn from?
• Am I listening to understand or listening to defend?

Doing the above is not easy. Not for me anyway. But within the criticism could be a nugget of truth or an insight that could prove invaluable.

OK the medicine might not always taste nice, but it could make you better. Just be careful you’re taking the right medicine, from someone you trust and respect.

Until next time

Hope SUMO makes a difference.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

My guess is that when you were a toddler learning to take your first steps and took the occasional tumble the people around you were not shouting:

‘Loser – you’ll never learn to walk.’

Am I right? (And if I’m not I think I’ve just uncovered the main reason why you lack confidence, have low self-esteem and avoid taking risks in life.)

Sadly for many people all that encouragement they received when they were younger tends to disappear when they’re older. But if we’re to help ourselves and others to reach higher, to bounce back from setbacks and to achieve our potential, then we have to look for practical ways to do so. Particularly if we’ve had a few falls recently.

So here are two to get you started.

1. Re-frame failure

Just as failing is part of the process in learning how to walk, failing is part of the journey in learning, growing and succeeding. When people fail they’re in effect receiving feedback. Maybe you need to adjust your approach, try a different strategy or practice more.

Remind yourself that failing is part of your learning journey. It’s not the end of it.

And remember:

Failure isn’t final until you stop trying

2. Go for quick wins

Make sure you take note of this:

Nothing motivates like success

Thomas Carlyle was onto something when he said, ‘Nothing builds a sense of confidence and self-esteem like accomplishment.’

So some form of success, no matter how small, can help fuel hope. 

And hope can breed confidence. It can help you to ‘move on’ in a more motivated way, because you can begin to believe you’re capable of achieving success.

Believe me, when I talk about the importance of quick wins I’m speaking from experience.

Let me explain.

I’m probably best known for a book I wrote in 2005, SUMO (Shut Up, Move On). However, what many people don’t realise is that it was rejected by 13 publishers.

Each rejection came as a personal blow to my confidence. I actually received four negative replies on the same day.

Boy was that a great morning!

But a quick win for me was to feel by the end of the day I’d taken some action towards getting my book published. That meant either tweaking my initial proposal (at one stage I actually considered dropping the phrase SUMO from the title) or contacting another publisher.

With one publisher who’d rejected my manuscript I still convinced them to meet me personally to discuss my book idea in more detail. They still rejected it, but the fact that they’d agreed to meet me felt like a small win. It fueled my motivation and provided some momentum.

By going for quick wins you’re taking back some control and making some progress. And perhaps the key to resurrecting your confidence and that of others is this:

Focus on progress, not perfection

So make sure you re-frame failure and go for quick wins. And even when you don’t feel motivated to do so, remind yourself that sometimes ‘right feelings follow right actions.’

Until next time,

hope SUMO makes a difference.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

Agree?

Yet get it wrong and it can have far-reaching consequences.

Perhaps a talented member of the team leaves because of their relationship with their boss.

A conflict escalates leading to a time-consuming and emotionally draining stand-off.

A customer takes their business elsewhere because they no longer feel valued or appreciated.

The causes for the breakdown in a relationship could be many, but here’s one major mistake we make too often.

We treat people as we want to be treated.

And not everyone values what you do. What floats your boat might not float someone else’s.

What motivates you might be different for someone else.

Remember also that our needs are not set in concrete. They can change with time and circumstances.

So how well do you really know the people you live and work with? Or like me are you sometimes blindly making assumptions as to what makes them tick?

So if you do want to get the best from your relationships and reap the benefits of doing so, think more about meeting other people’s needs before your own.

And what are their needs?

Well here are two questions that you could ask them for starters.

1. In order for you to feel valued and appreciated by someone, what would they need to do to demonstrate that?

2. Is there one thing I could do to support you that I’m not currently doing?

You might be surprised at people’s answers. And they could be vastly different from your own.

So to maximise the quality of your relationships with others remember this:

‘Treat people as they want to be treated.’

Until next time,

Paul

The SUMO Guy

‘Que sera, sera,

Whatever will be, will be,

The future’s not ours to see…’

Doris Day, who at the time of writing is 90 years old, is still esteemed as a wonderful actress and singer, and is adored by fans around the world. Doris, this is not personal. But I’m not convinced that ‘Whatever will be, will be’ is the most positive and inspiring message to take into 2013.

However, the following might be.

I’ve come across several articles about interviews with elderly people in the US who were asked a question along the lines of ‘If you had to live your life over again, what would you do differently next time?’

You might find some of their answers interesting:

Have less regrets

It seems this was related more to what people didn’t do as opposed to what they did do in their lives.

Take time out to reflect more

Some people felt they just drifted along with the crowd and spent little if any time considering what they really wanted from life.

Leave a legacy

People wanted to feel that their life on earth had counted for something and that in some way their life would be remembered after they had gone.

Food for thought perhaps?

‘Que sera, sera’ may be a memorable song but it’s a lousy life philosophy. So to make the most of 2013 here are three ideas:

1. Beware of BMWs (Bitching, Moaning Whingers). A harsh term I appreciate, but they can come in the guise of friends, family, the media and even yourself. Make a conscious effort to spend time with people who encourage, inspire and challenge you in a positive way, and be more aware of your own internal conversations.

2. Be a player not a spectator. Opportunities and health might not always be around in abundance, so choose to be in the game, not on the sidelines, a little more often.

3. You’ll feel better when you make others feel better. So focus a little less on ‘me’ and a little more on ‘we’ in 2013.

If you’d like a more regular dose of SUMO then please follow me on Twitter @thesumoguy

Don’t forget to ditch Doris.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

Peace, hope and joy?

Or perhaps chaos, crackers and chocolate?

There’s another word that I seem to use a great deal, particularly in the last few days leading up to Christmas, and that’s ‘rush.’ However, I recently came up with a new meaning for the word.

So whatever significance you attach to this time of year, and whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I hope you find my new definition of the word ‘rush’ helpful.

R – Reflect

In our busy 24/7 world it’s easy to move on to the next project, event and experience and not to take time to reflect. If you were to look back on 2012 what would you say has been the biggest lesson you’ve learnt? What do you reflect back on with a particular sense of gratitude?

U - Understand

I love the following quote:

‘The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance – it is the illusion of knowledge’ – Daniel J. Boorstin

I want to grow my understanding of myself and others. I want to grow in my understanding of how best to make the most of my finite time on this planet and live more intentionally, rather than on autopilot.

S – Savour

I want to savour more moments. The company of good friends, my family, laughter, nature. I want to engage more fully in life and not take things for granted. And I don’t want to wait for the next Olympics to wake up with the feel-good factor every day.

H – Honour 

I want to make sure that I take time to thank and appreciate the people around me. In simple rather than spectacular ways I want to recognise the value of the people in my world and treat them with respect, not indifference.

• What would be good for you to look back and reflect on?
• Where do you need to grow in your understanding?
• What aspect of life do you need to savour more?
• Who do you need to honour?

I’m not convinced the above is an instant recipe for peace, hope and joy, but it might lead to a little more peace with yourself, hope for the future and joy for the present.

Whatever this time of year means for you, take time to ‘rush’.

Thanks for your company this year, and for your feedback – it’s appreciated.

Until next year.

Hope SUMO makes a difference.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

Your chances of living a longer, healthier, safer life are greater than any time in human history.

But despite this…

Worry, anxiety and stress are on the rise.

As humans we’re the only animals that create stress with our own minds…

but here’s some stuff to help you… and me:

1. There’s rarely ever a perfect time or a perfect decision. Live with the imperfect. Including yourself.

2. Healthy fear can be a gift. As a species we owe our very existence to it.

3. Be careful of watching too much CNN… Constant Negative News.

4. Write stuff down. It declutters your mind.

5. Find the funny in stuff when you can. It will keep you sane.

6. Ask yourself ‘Where is this issue on a scale of 1-10 (where 10 = death)?

7. If you can’t control or influence it, learn to accept it.

8. Remember to re-tell is to re-live and that’s not always helpful.

9. What you focus on magnifies. So be careful what you’re focusing on.

10. Imagination is powerful. But if you’re not enjoying the movies in your mind you can always shout ‘cut’.

11. Depriving yourself of support is like depriving yourself of oxygen. Don’t do it.

12. You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. Move on.

His smile. His eyes.

And probably

his height.

He’s 5 foot 7 inches (or 170cm). That’s the same height as me – although that’s where the similarity ends – sadly.

Some people regard Tom as being a little on the short side. In some cultures Tom’s height would make him below average height for a man.

Now imagine this.

What if Tom Cruise increased his height by ten percent?

Not a huge amount is it? So what’s the outcome?

Well suddenly Tom goes from being 5 foot 7 inches to being over 6 foot tall.

He goes from being seen as small to being seen as tall.

And how much did his height increase by?

Ten percent.

That’s all.

You see a small change can make a big difference.

Now, imagine if you could increase your confidence by ten percent.

What would you do?

Go for that job?

Start that business?

Volunteer to make the presentation?

Ask for the sale?

Stand up to the bully?

Ask that person out on a date?

I’m not talking about arrogance, brashness or becoming a raving extrovert. I’m talking about confidence. That sense of being OK about yourself. That awareness that it’s OK to fail. That understanding that rejection does not mean the end of the world.

Here’s another illustration.

Have you ever made your own bread? Well as I’ve found to my cost, the bread won’t rise without the yeast.

You only need a small amount of yeast.

But without it you’ve got flat bread.

That’s how our lives can be without confidence.

We fail to rise.

We fail to achieve our potential.

That’s why the subtitle of my book Self Confidence is ‘The remarkable truth of why a small change can make a big difference.’ And if learning how to increase your confidence or the confidence of others is of interest, then pick up a copy. And if you’ve had a setback that has knocked your confidence then you’ll love the ideas in the chapter “What to do when the ship hits the flan”.

Until next time

I hope ten percent can make a difference.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

If you had a fleet of a hundred cars but to save costs reduced them by twenty, what would you do with the remaining eighty?

Would you still service the cars and seek to maintain them?

Of course you would.

It would be both stupid and short-sighted not to do so.

But are organisations doing the same with their staff?

In times of cutbacks, austerity and lay-offs, have organisations decided to ignore the staff that remain and hope they’ll get by without any support?

Research suggests that’s a dangerous thing to do.

Work done by Mika Kivimaki and colleagues measured the health of over 800 people before any rumour of downsizing took place, immediately after and then three years later.

They then looked at which group of people – stayers, re-employed leavers and unemployed leavers – fared best in terms of health and psychological well-being.

It’s no surprise that the worst affected group were those who were laid off and became long-term unemployed. But here comes the surprise. The next hardest hit group were ‘the stayers’, particularly men, who fared significantly less well than the re-employed leavers.

So what are we doing for ‘the stayers’? What support are they receiving? What help are they being given to develop emotional resilience and the skills required not just to survive change but succeed through it?

In a short term effort to cut costs, are we treating them like a car that we’ll run into the ground and not bother servicing?

You may save money that way. In the short term anyway.

But what about the emotional costs involved?

And how does such behaviour affect the long term health and success of the organisation?

If you’d like to know how the SUMO message can be of help to the people that stay check out the video on my website www.theSUMOguy.com or email Paul.McGee@theSUMOguy.com for more information.

Hope SUMO makes a difference.

Until next time,

Paul

The SUMO Guy

‘I shouldn’t have to tell you. You should know.’

We don’t say it anymore.

We’ve learnt that people’s perspectives and priorities are often different from our own. What we “see” and notice is often different to what others do.

So we’ve quit convincing ourselves that people are mind-readers. Your partner isn’t. Your staff aren’t. Your colleagues aren’t. Your boss isn’t. Oh, and neither are your customers.

It all comes down at times to clearly communicating your needs. Subtle and diplomatic don’t always work.

My cats certainly aren’t subtle. When they need feeding they let me know. They’ve been known to stroll into our office and plonk themselves on the keyboard of our computer. That’s a fairly clear way of getting our attention, don’t you think?

So who’s attention do you need to get right now? Who is the person, team or organisation in your world who you need to clearly communicate your needs to?

Yes, it would be much easier if people were mind readers, but they’re not. We have to take responsibility to open up their minds.

Agree?

Until next time.

Don’t be too subtle and diplomatic.

Paul

The SUMO Guy

Tell the negativity committee that meets inside your head to Sit Down and Shut Up, or Shut Up and Move On.

Now this doesn’t mean I believe in blind optimism – actually I think that’s quite dangerous. But if we’re to survive and thrive as people and organisations then a dose of realistic optimism is required. Pessimism is not an option, unless you want to be as relevant as a Dodo.

So two questions I’m regularly asking myself and my team are;

‘How can we influence or improve the situation?’ And ‘What can we find that’s positive in this situation?’ 

Your brain has an uncanny ability to help you find what you’re looking for, but it does need a helping hand. Asking such questions when dealing with challenges helps your brain to start seeking and spotting solutions, which is exactly what we require if we’re to develop strong personal resilience when all around us appears to be chaotic.

Agree?

And if you’d like a celebrity doctor and journalist’s perspective on how the SUMO message can impact people’s well-being then take a look at this short piece.

Until next time

Remember what to say to that negativity committee.

Paul

The SUMO Guy